1. You can make yourself heard wherever you are: “Oi, darling! Make me a cuppa!” “Where’s our remote control/biscuit tin/son?”
2. You can be heard when you don’t want to be. “Who were you on the phone to?” “Not my bookmaker and lover.”
3. If you work unsocial hours and need sleep, being within a couple of rooms of a toddler is like sleeping next to Niagara falls.
4. It’s easier to direct people to the bathroom. Don’t waste your time saying “upstairs, take a left, second door on your right”. Just say, “If you’re not defouling a bed, you’re on the toilet.”
5. Unless you buy a commode, a Conveen or urinate out the door, you’ve got to wait while someone else is in there.
6. After hearing your guests in the bathroom, you cannot look them in the eye when they return to the room.
7. By living inside your means, you’re living closer to the way humanity should- if we want the globe to exist for future generations. We live on a planet of finite resources. 7 billion people cannot live in the sort of home you get told to desire on housing programmes, not without some revolutionary change in building. Have you seen what concrete does?
8- People with large houses disagree with your attitude to mansion tax- why should they pay a social levy for the privilege of being able to exclude 7 billion people from their unnecessarily large chunk of earth and concrete. “My private ownership of 15 rooms is definitely, in no way related to over-crowding and homelessness. Now go back to your shoebox before I get the gun.”
9 – Decorating decisions are more interesting. You don’t ask yourself, “what can I do with £30,000?”, you ask yourself “what actually fits in that space… and is available on interest-free credit?”
10 – You will contemplate leaving London. Then you will visit people front outside London for a barbecue where they unveil the decking. After listening to the discussion about parking problems near Zizzi and people sharing their stories about decking, you decide living in a small home is preferable.
11 – You don’t have to worry about gardening or maintaining a swimming pool. This means you’re less likely to spend a bank holiday in A&E with a chainsaw wound. Or get hit in the face by a volleyball.
12 – If you’ve chosen to live somewhere small to be in a nice area, twice a day you will walk past places you will never afford. (This may produce feelings of alienation. Whatever you do, don’t start a blog which suggests your neighbours’ journey up the housing ladder is unimportant)
13 – It’s a shorter journey to escape in a fire.
14 – The older generation are nice to you, because they grew up in over-crowded, small houses and probably raised you in one.
15 – If you own your little home, the younger generation will look at you with envy, because the housing crisis means they will pay extortionate rents to slum-landlords for their entire lives. Or else live with their parents.
16 – You will be detached from people you see on TV housing programmes, who invariably have unrealistic, boring desires, and cheer wildly at the prospect of gut-wrenching surveys, conveyancing, property chains then years of decorating. Losers.
17 – Sloppy hoovering is quick. But properly hoovering involves rearranging all the shit in the hallway like a crystal maze contestant completing a large puzzle.
Hmm.. there used to be a video here. It was probably just someone shouting “GET THE CRYSTAL!!!”
18 – It’s cheaper than living somewhere bigger! So you have more flexibilty in life. Your bills are all lower. You could take time off work to look after your child, leave a job you hate, or waste time on a blog, because you don’t live in fear of your mortgage/rent payments.
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